Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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