We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
