I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
