Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
