two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize