i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize