my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
this hospital has no fireball
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
