I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
