The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
