Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
