so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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