I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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