I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
