I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
