She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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