My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
