The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize