I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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