i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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