HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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