two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
