I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize