New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
