I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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