its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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