just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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