Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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