Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize