Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
