I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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