Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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