I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
