Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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