You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
