I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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