You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
