Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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