watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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