dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
