Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize