the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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