I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize