my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
