I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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