we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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