my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
