you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
