fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't turn off my feet"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
