OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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