I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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