so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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