I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
