i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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