i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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