and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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