He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
