what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
